And all of a sudden, my desire to be a part of all those things came to an abrupt stop. Not by choice, I woke up one morning, and didn't feel like getting out of bed. When I was invited out to dinner, I would make excuses as to why I couldn't make it. And although they were excuses, they were legitimate. I was too tired, had too much to get done, needed to get ready for the next week. The excuses went on and on. And all of those were true.
1. Just too tired.
I was too tired because I had become an insomniac. Right when my body would allow me to fall asleep (usually around 6am), my alarm was telling me to get up. I had too much to get done because I spent most of my day catching up from the day before, things that I'd had on my to-do list, but just couldn't muster the energy to do. I needed to get ready for the next week because I knew at some point, I would "miss" one, two, or maybe three days due to fatigue, migraines, joint pain, brain fog, or all four.
2. Anxiety
On the rare occasion that I actually DID go out with friends or venture to do something outside of my new "norm", I was always met with opposition. Suddenly, my usual "social butterfly" personality had now taken a turn for the opposite. In anticipation of a social gathering with friends, even just a few close friends, would send me into an anxious panic. I would become nervous, with heart palpitations and anxious sweats. I would ask myself, "What are you so nervous about?" and try to laugh it off, but my nerves would get the best of me. If I went to dinner, I would leave early because of an upset stomach or fever from my newly developed food intolerances. All the while, I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me.
3. Brain fog and memory loss
Daily, I found myself struggling to focus, struggling to remember what I was supposed to be doing. I had become disgustedly reliable on my planner (the old fashion kind, with pen and paper) that I carried everywhere with me, and referred back to for even the simplest reminders. My husband was growing increasingly frustrated and alarmed at my short term memory loss. At 9am he would remind me to do something, and by 11am, I'd forgotten we'd even had a conversation. Even more scary, when he would remind me, I wouldn't have the faintest memory of the conversation at all, much less what the conversation was about. Things were getting scary.
4. Extreme Weight Gain or Loss
As if all of these symptoms weren't enough, the 47 pounds I was packing on for no reason at all made me withdraw even more from the people who knew me best. I thought I knew what they were thinking - "What's going on with her?" - I had never been heavy, and certainly not FAT, but here I was, packing on pounds (once, seven pounds in one week) while killing myself in spin class and eating a clean diet. What WAS going on with me?!
June 2011, we took a family vacation to Disney World. I felt miserable and grouchy. I was overweight, tired, and moody. As fun as the rides and parades should have been, all I could think about was getting home to Atlanta and back to my new normal of hiding behind four walls and keeping to myself. My relationships were suffering, and I was unhappy. It was time to do something. In August, I went to the doctor for a routine yearly physical. While lying on the table, the doctor (a gynecologist, no less) discovered my goiter, and immediately referred me to an endocrinologist. That visit got me on the way to wellness, even though it's been a long, bumpy road. I still find myself "hiding" sometimes, and still get a little anxious leading up to a social date. As a result of much research and conversations with other AI sufferers on blogs and Facebook, I learned how to tolerate and redirect my anxiety and my desire to hide behind my disease. The moral of the story is, don't hide. Even though it's easy, don't let yourself get lost in your disease and all the random, frustrating symptoms and side effects. Don't let your autoimmune disease control you...the real you, not the AI you.
Xoxo!
Healthy. Happy. Hashi's.
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